Have you ever

been so sad that your heart physically hurts? I just want to take mine out right now so I can stop hurting and just go to sleep.

2009

In 2009, I will do something extraordinary.
In 2009, my work ethic will inscrease.
In 2009, I will treat myself with respect.
Most of all in 2009, I will focus much more on what I have instead of what I had and be much less nostalgic (speaking of, nostalgia is such a beautiful word:"a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time").

Rawr.

I don't like it when my bubble is burst.

IT'S THE

EYE OF THE TIGER, IT'S THE THRILL OF THE FIGHT RISING UP TO THE CHALLENGE OF OUR RIVAAAAALS.

Rock Band... ROCKS. :) I love my sisters and today in general. I went to the mall and got cute stuffzzz. I love my best friend in the world, Stefanie Gardner, and my other best friend in the world Dillon Olmanson. :) Also Casey played Rock Band and Scategories with me and my sisters all night. I'm surprised they and my mom haven't creeped the hell out of him yet. ;)

I LOVE MY LIFE!!!

I hate

time. Really, I do. I realized that 2008 is a week away from ending, and that's so crazy for me to think about it. I get so overwhelmed when I realize 2008 will never happen again. Ever. Time goes by really quickly and everything changes too fast. Like last year on New Years Eve, I spent it with Jaslyn, Brandon, Alec, and Colton. Hell if I know where any of them are going to be this year. I'm getting closer and closer to full independence, and I know I'll be on my own before I know it. Every minute of your life only happens once, every day only happens once, every year only happens once. I don't know how to handle it all when I think of it like that. I just feel so overwhelmed. One time, when I was eight years old, my dad's best friend randomly turned to me and said, "You are one day closer to the day you die." Okay, first off, DON'T TELL THAT TO AN 8-YEAR-OLD. Second, it's true... yikes. I mean, I realize that. Obviously. I don't know, I'm just so weird and have a hard time handling myself when I start thinking like that.

Anyway, merry Christmas.

I'm so weird.

The happiest day on earth is in two days, and hopefully I will be getting my license within the next week. I better, judging by that's the only thing I asked for for Christmas and it doesn't even cost my parents money (directly).

In other news, The Beatles are magical.
In more other news, I'm really weird. I've just felt weird lately and I don't know why. Maybe it's because I've been reflecting too much on the past year. Maybe it's because i'm going through BFF withdrawls (majorly). Or maybe it's just becuase there's no school and I don't know what to do with myself.

>

Happy birthday.

"It lights up the whole sky."

The new banner I have on this blog is one of my favorite quotes ever. "Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, 'you owe me.' Look what happens with a love like that, it lights the whole sky."

Beautiful. :)

.

Today I heard the song Crash by Dave Matthews Band all the way through for the first time since like April. And I seriously almost threw up. It was horrible/crazy.

On another note, dating your duo partner is a horrible idea. Don't do it. Mine and Casey's work ethic on our duo is NONE right now and it's so frustrating!!!!!!

"You don't know how lovely you are."

Today is December 14th, approximately two years since I attended 8B camp as a student and approximtely two years since a beautiful letter was written to me that I will never forget. It also makes one year since I attended 8B camp as a councilor and where I found out truths in my life that I didn't notice. Not a good thing, either. It is seriously insane how much has happened in the past two years and how much things have changed. CRAAAZZZYYY. Let me give you a photo glimpse of my life in the last two years:

Ugh.

So I was driving to school this morning and the song "Where Are You Christmas?" came on the raido. I thought that was a sign of a good day to come.

WRONG.

TODAY WAS HORRIBLE!!! The two most important relationships in my life are failing me, my sister and my best friend. WHY, WHY?! Seriously, I'm more upset than I could put into words. I feel so much pressure to be close to perfect in school, my parents have been denying me the freedom I deserve, and the two people who I thought I could always count on both hurt me so bad today. I dunno why I'm so emotional lately, but I'm ready for all this shit to be done with. Really. I deserve a good break. A good break that lasts more than a few days at a time.

:)

PostSecret

Today Dillon and I went to Barnes & Nobles. We were reading PostSecret books and I found someone's secret it in. Someone had written in gel pen on the back of a reciept and stuck it in the book. I'm so inspired by it!

I HATE SCHOOL!

Seriously. My life would be so much better without it. Isn't 16 the legal drop out age? Hahaha just kidding....


But really.

Sorry, Casey...

There's a new man in my life now.

CHUCK BASS, I AM A SLAVE 4 U

Here's my two cents.

I never said one negative word about you. Really, I don't dislike you and it makes me sad that you dislike me. I never called you pathetic, and I never did anything intentional to hurt you. I don't think we've ever had a face to face conversation before, and I really am sorry if you think I'm a bitch. I never tried to get in your business about anything and I'm sorry I said anything to begin with. This is dumb and there is no reason this should be happening. So, take this as my sincere apology.

Favorite Things in my Life (at the moment):
Speech and Debate
Student Council
The face that I'm going to Disneyland with speech in less than two weeks.
My sister
My best friend Stefanie
My best friend Dillon
My best friend Hannah
Two more weeks til winter break!
Christmas lights
Having a musical boyfriend, resulting in this beautiful song:
"Legitimately, i've never been free, till now.
You came by and you showed me why and how.

Sometimes, i'd know what i was missing.
Turns out all i had to do was listen

Seriously, i've never been me, till now
you saved me from all that i was, and wow

Sometimes, i'd know what i was missing.
Turns out all i had to do was listen
And if you want to know who i really am
Babe come on, just take my hand

You take me away...
And all i have to say,
is that there'd be no way
I'd live to see another day
If you were hurtin
Babe i promise i'll do anything just to keep us workin

Practically, i'm the one to be, cuz you got me, and i like the way that sounds
all the time, i'd see your face just melt, i swear that i've never felt this way... you've got me.

Sometimes, i'd know what i was missing.
Turns out all i had to do was listen
And if you want to know who i really am
Babe come on, just take my hand

You take me away...
And all i have to say,
is that there'd be no way
I'd live to see another day
If you were hurtin
Babe i promise i'll do anything just to keep us workin
Cuz you got me..."

Ay!

Life is gooood. :) I went shopping today with my sister and we had lots of giggles. I love tournament weekends the best. S&D makes me so happy!!! :)

Anyway this picture makes me LOL a lot and makes me so happy. We made it for a bio project in the beginning of the year. OH lolzzzzz so good:

AHH!

I have re-written this post four different times.

What I want to say:
1. Just be happy that he quit. Who cares the motivation.
2. I have been so sick the last two days and I HATE IT!
3. (piggyback off of #1... organized, I know): Please, let us be happy.

Do you know

how difficult it is to make up a 15-week science experiement the night before the project is due? I DO!!!! I officially get the biggest procrastinator in the world award. It's almost 11 and I'm not nearly done. I am horrible running on no sleep, so tomorrow should be interesting. :)

In other news, Stefanie is beautiful and I am missing her more than ever.

P.S. I know we're only just beginning, but you are so important to me. I know this will be so beautiful. Thank you for accepting me as I am. :)

I am

horrible when it comes to the beginning stages of a relationship.

Happy birthday?!

Today is the sixteenth anniversary of my birth. Hehe I'm lame. But... happy birthday to me?

Anyway I have a lot of mixed feelings about my life right now. I'm just always so uneasy when new things come along. Probably because my trust was shattered from past relationships, and I'm super uneasy about trusting anyone new. It's funny. Because I compare to the time I was wrecked by a relationship in eighth grade versus the time I was wrecked by a relationship a few months ago. The huge difference I notice is that in eighth grade, I accepted and looked for help. Unlike the more recent one. In eighth grade, I kinda took that hurt as a change to strengthen myself whereas this time, I just kinda didn't do anything about it, resulting in this bottled up hurt and shattered trust. I thought I could handle myself. I'm more than okay now, but the aftermath of pented up anger/hurt and the uneasiness to trust is so horrible. And I don't know what to do.

P.S. That probably made no sense at all... Sorry for the sporadic word vomit. :)

Aye caramba!

I feel like I can't do anything right!

BEING SICK

sucks!!! :( But my birthday is in tres dias, and I'm so excited. I just wish my best friend was here with me. That makes me sad. I miss her so very much.

On another note, my grandma from Minnesota is visiting and I LOVE HER SO MUCH! She's so wonderful!

I think

I may be on the verge of the best thing that has ever happened to me. Oh God, I'm excited. :)

Superman
By: Joe Brooks

"There are no words, to paint a picture of you girl
Your eyes, those curves, it's like you're from some other world
You walk my way, oh God is so frustrating.

So why do I disappear when you come near,
It makes me feel so small,
Why do I blow my lines, most every time,
Like I got no chance at all,

If I could be your superman,
I'd fly you to the stars and back again.
'cause everytime you touched my hand,
You feel my powers running through your veins.
But I can only write this song,
And tell you that I'm not that strong.
'Cause I'm no superman, I hope you like me as I am

It aint no lie, I have to tell you how I feel, cause
Each time, I try it gets a little more unreal,
you walk my way, oh god its so fustrating

So why do I disappear when you come near,
It makes me feel so small,
If I could read your mind,
Girl would I find, any trace of me at all.

If I could be your superman,
I'd fly you to the stars and back again.
Cause everytime you touched my hand,
feel my powers running through your veins.
But I can only write this song,
And tell you that I'm not that strong.
Cause I'm no superman, I hope you like me as I am"

Aye caramba!

I had such a good weeked! I'm sorry my posts have been so scarce. My life is good and I have no complaints. :) I am in a mess right now but it will soon be sorted out because I know what my heart wants. I think I haven't felt the need to post so often is because I've stopped being closed off. I've actually started talking to people again and it has been so rewarding. That's all. :)

It's funny

how fast your life can change. And for once, I'm greatful for that. :)

Vulnerability

"Real love hurts, real love makes you totally open and vulnerable. Real love will take you far behind yourself, and therefore real love will devastate you. If love doesn't shatter you, you will not know love."

I've been super afraid of vulnerability lately. I've never been like this before - I've always been open with my emotions, never closing off, always telling people how I feel. Why this has happened, I don't know, but it's from a combination of two things: A. I feel like no one honestly cares. I feel like if I talk to people about how I feel, I'm just plaguing them with my problems. B. You always hear little quotes about being afraid to take down your walls because you fear hurt so much. I've never been like that. Ever. I've often caused hurt upon myself by staying stuck on hopeless causes. But honestly, I feel like if I opened up to any more hurt, I would just break. I feel so weak because there is so few people I trust. I hate being this way. I just wish my faith in humanity would be renewed.

Hey-

I wrote you a letter today. After looking through my stupid memory box under my bed, I felt as if I had a lot to say to you. Too bad you'll never hear it all because honestly I just don't have to courage.

"Love actually is all around."

Despite the fact that my life IS IN THE CRAPPER right now, I am everyday moved and inspired by the selflessness and generousity that surrounds me. :)

STAY CLASSY, AHWATUKEE

Completely contradicting to my last post.

I realized last night how lonely I actually am. I've been too busy to notice. I miss my best friends. And by that, I mean the two that moved to the east coast, over 2500 miles away from me, and the one that feels 2500 miles away from me. I am hurt and longing for my best friend back.

The worst was last night, laying in bed feeling completely heartbroken and realizing I have no one to talk to about this. No one could genuinely make me feel better. I just feel frustrated and hopeless, in a sense. I just need help. :(

Rockin!

I have such a good feeling about today/this week/next week/the rest of my life! :) Sorry my posts have been so shallow lately, I have not been dealing with many horrible struggles or struck with incredible inspiration. Despite the face that I am in over my head with school and speech and student council, I have been so happy and so optimistic! I am soo ready for anything right about now. :)

I wish

I could capture words the way the Spill Canvas does. SO BEAUTIFUL!

Self Conclusion
by: The Spill Canvas

"Fade in, start the scene
Enter beautiful girl
But things are not what they seem
As we stand at the edge of the world.

'Excuse me sir,
But I had plans to die tonight
Oh, and you are directly in my way
And I bet you're gonna say it's not right'
My reply:
Excuse me miss,
But do you have the slightest clue
Of exactly what you just said to me
And exactly who you're talking to?

She said, 'I don't care, you don't even know me."
I said, 'I know but I'd like to change that soon, hopefully.'
Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

You make it sound so easy to be alive
But tell me how am I supposed to seize this day
When everything inside of me has died
My reply:
Trust me girlI know your legs are pleading to leap
But I offer you this easy choice
Instead of dying, living with me

She said, 'Are you crazy? You don't even know me.'
I said, 'I know but I'd like to change that soon, hopefully.'
Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

I would be lying if I said that things would never get rough
And all this cliche motivation, it could never be enough
I could stand here all night trying to convince you
But what good would that do? My offer stands and you must choose

'All right, you win, but I only give you one night
To prove yourself to be better than my attempt at flight
I swear to God if you hurt me I will leap
I will toss myself from these very cliffs
And you'll never see it coming.'
'Settle precious, I know what you're going through
Cause ten minutes before you got here I was gonna jump too.'

Yeah we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets"

What the heck part III

There are just some things in my past that won't ever stop hurting. I don't understand why it still hurts even though I'm way over it and it's been so long.

I just want it to stop. :(

What the heck part II

I've been really into CHARACTER lately. I've been focusing on the essense and character of people. And I really like what it's brought me. :)

That's all! I wish the whole world thought the way I did, because it's so beautiful.

What the heck

You should see how many "draft" posts I have on this blog. Multiple times each day, I log in to write something but never post it. Why? Because I suddenly have this fear of being judged by what I say here. WHAT THE HECK, that should not be happening.

:(

I hope I get over this soon...

The good news is that I have a new friend who I enjoy being with very much. :)

My sister

is silly.

"I hope you had the time of your life."

I have an incredible amount of love for these eighth graders:

It was truly a blessing to have gotten to know these kids, because they are incredible. :)

"I've got an angel, she doesn't wear any wings. She wears a heart that can melt my own..."

She wears a smile that can make me wanna sing
She gives me presents
With her presence alone
She gives me everything I could wish for
She gives me kisses on the lips just for coming home

She could make angels
I've seen it with my own eyes
You gotta be careful when you've got good love
Cause the angels will just keep on multiplying

But you're so busy changing the world
Just one smile can change all of mine
We share the same soul
Oh oh oh oh oh ohhh"

WHAT THE HECK, why do I have the biggest crush ever on someone?!

"If they say that nothing is forever, then what makes love the exception?"

I LOVE THIS SONG:

"The Special Two"
by: Missy Higgins
"I've hardly been outside my room in days,
'cause I don't feel that I deserve the sunshine's rays.
The darkness helped until the whiskey wore away,
And it was then I realize the conscience never fades.
When you're young you have this image of your life:
That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife.
And you make boundaries you'd never dream to cross,
And if you happen to you wake completely lost.
But I will fight for you,
be sure thatI will fight until we're the special two once again.

And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
Our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
When we're the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'll bleed together,
These arms will not be taught to need another,
'Cause we were the special two.

I remember someone old once said to me:
"That lies will lock you up with truth the only key."
But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell,
And couldn't see this place would soon become my hell.
So is it better to tell and hurt or lie to save their face?
Well I guess the answer is don't do it in the first place.
I know I'm not deserving of your trust from you right now,
But if by chance you change your mind you know I will not let you down
'cause we were the special two, and we'll be again.

And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
Our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
When we're the special two.
And we can only see each other we'll breathe together,
These arms will not be taught to need another...
'cause we're the special two.

I step outside my mind's eye's for a minute.
And I look over me like a doctor looking for disease,
Or something that could ease the pain.
But nothing cures the hurt you, you bring on by yourself,
Just remembering, just remembering how we were...

When we would only need each other, we'd bleed together,
Our hands would not be taught to hold another's,
We were the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'd bleed together,
These arms would not be taught to need another,
'Cause we're the special two."

I know it's like depressing, but it doesn't make me sad even a little bit. It makes me happy. :)

Anyway I've been really optimistic lately. LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh and I'm really starting to like this certain boy. Life rocks, okay bye!

"And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck to everything you are."

Starting from now on, I decided to title all of my posts as song lyrics that oh-so-subtly give an insight to how I feel. :)

Anyway, before I start this long post, I would just like to tell everyone how amazing of an artist Maria Mena is. Listen to her. Her songs are seriously beautiful.

"Sorry"
by: Maria Mena
"Vague sound of rain
pierces through my song again
but I get distracted by the way his toes move when he plays
so I let it burn

I just poured my heart out
there's bits of it on the floor
And I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water
And call him up for more

And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
so sorry

He grabs my wrists
as my fingers turn into angry fists
and I whisper why can't you love me, I'll change for you
I'll play the part

And I say baby, so I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
I am sorry"

I had such a great weekend! :) Let me break it down for you.


FRIDAY: Right after school, Danie and I were picked up by her daddy, picked up some pizza, and went straight to the movies. It's was Danie's sister's 8th birthday party and there were about 12 second graders waiting for us outside of the theater. After a nice picnic outside involving excited little girls, delicious pepperoni pizza, and orange soda, Danie and I went to go reserve seats in the movie we were going to.... none other than HSM3! OKAY, that movie is beautiful. No lie. It was so much better than either of the first two. And I am a giant HSM fan, so that's saying a lot. Zac Efron is a babe, all day everyday. Troy and Chad's dance number is my favorite scene of any movie ever. I could not stop smiling. Oh man. I will be seeing that movie multiple times in theater, no doubt about it. Overall, it was a very enjoyable way to start the weekend - watching Zac with a bunch of adoreable girls. After that, I went to Dillon's house where I ate more pizza (fatass) and worked on our duo act. Yes... the night before the tournament. Omg procrastination yay. But it was great, because all we do together is laugh. Laughing is good. :)

SATURDAY: Tournament day! Tournament days are seriously the longest days possible. I woke up at 4:20 am feeling really sick, most likely from all the junk food I ate the day before. So I went to the tournament feelings very sick and very unhappy. But as the day went on, it went away and the sickness was replaced the excitement and passion. :) I made it to the final round in both of my events, although I was a little disappointment with how I placed, but I am not complaining. There were a plethora of people who made this day what it was. Dillon Olmanson, because our duo act is/was a hot mess, and placing fifth was a surprise. Performing with his is a blast and he is my best friend! Nick Weinman, because he's the most generous person I know. He makes all of my days. :) Casey Cantor, because he endured my frustrations with me. Although our hard work didn't pay off as much as we had hoped, our motivation was renewed and I love love love love working with me. Zaki Aizaz, because although we fight during 89% of my life, he can put me in a good mood when I'm at my worst moments. And of course, the ever-so-classy Zane Waxman. I think that's self-explanitory. :) :) :) :) I <3 speech.

SUNDAY: I woke up at 7 am and wanted to die because I was so tired. I went to Starbucks with my pops and ordered a veinte iced quad extra caramel caramel macchiato mixed. Perfect way to start off the week. ;) Annie and Danie and Danie's dad picked me up at 7:45 and we went to Firebird Racing to take the SICKEST DRIVING CLASS EVER! Pretty much we got to drive all these sick cars and do different things with them. The first thing we did was drive around this obstacle course alone with an instructor while they tried to distract us. Fun stuff. The second one, Danie, Annie and I were all in the same car with this instructor named Trescott who was pretty much the bomb.com. There were three stop lights lined up next to each other in three different lanes. We were supposed to accelerate as fast as we could towards the three greens lights, and at the very last second, two of the lights changed to red and we had to drive into the lane with the green light without braking and without hitting any of the cones. I succeeded. Yeah. I'm the man. The third one we drove this sick Mustang. Our instructor was a stunt double who doubles on the show the Suite Life of Zack and Cody as Mr. Mosby!!!!!!!!!!! He was the man. Anyway, the Mustangs had these spring-loaded back wheels so the car skidded really easily. Pretty much we had to drive around this circular track and keep in control of the car when it skidded around the corners. During all of this, this media photographer was taking pictures of us, and after he came up to us three and asked if it was alright that he used the pictures for publicity. They were the best pictures! I will post them as soon as I get access to them. :)

Overall, VERY GOOD WEEKEND! This Friday, sophomore class stu co is doing a FUN-raiser (hehe) and this weekend I'm going to 8A camp! Downside: I have an APWH test Friday...

Peace. :)

Self-esteem.

I have the worst self-esteem ever. That's all.

Busy busy busy.

Let me take you through my next few weekends.
This weekend (Oct. 24th-26th): Danie's sister's birthday, Red Mountain speech tournament, driving class.
Next weekend (Oct. 31st-Nov. 3rd) HALLOWEEN, and counseling for 8A humanities camp :)
Nov. 7th-9th: A special friend's birthday :), and the Tukee bowl.
Nov. 14th-16th: Dobson speech tournament
Nov. 21st-24thish: Chicago for Glenbrooks speech tournament :)
Nov 27th-20th: THANKSGIVING and possibley birthday party weekend.
Dec. 1st (not a weekend): My birthday :)
Dec. 5th-7th: Winter Trophy speech tournament
Dec. 12th-14th: Counseling for 8B humanities camp.
Dec. 19th-21st: California for Fullerton speech tournament

My life rocks. That statement is slightly sarcastic, but mostly not. :)

MELODRAMA

I realized a few things today. UNO: Nick Weinman is one of my favorite people. Ever. DOS (hehe): I am the most melodramatic person alive. The end.

Life

moves too quickly. And it's depressing. I've had such a good life so far, and I think that's what makes it more depressing. I don't know if what is yet to come will be as beautiful as what already came. Do you know how scary it is not knowing if the best is yet to come? My eighth grade year was incredible, my freshman year was incredible, and so far this year is not nearly as good as either of those. And it scares me.

I would LOVE to be optimistic and say, "The best is always yet to come!" Unfortunately I don't know how much I believe that. I've had incredible experiences when it comes to love - both romantic and friendly. I've experienced the epitome of good when it comes to "good" people. I've experienced incredibley inspiring events spiritually, and (as lame as this is) I've had incredible success in speech. Really, I feel like I've been to the top, and it doesn't get any higher than that.

That. Scares. Me.

PERFECTION.

In all seriousity, this DIRECTLY pinpoints my life.

Oh man.

I am obsessed with Gossip Girl.

I'm so sorry

for always whining in this blog. It's so uncalled for, and my life is so good, so I have zero right to be complaining. But I said this way back in August - this blog is for me to vent. My feelings of inferiority, anger, sadness, etc., they're always temporary but I need to get them out there. Thank you for loving me as I am anyway, despite my exaggerations.

WARNING: Unnecessary ranting.

Let me start off this angry/pathetic post with a quote that I love very much and pretty much sums up my life:

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said 'Journeys end in lovers meeting.' What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said 'love is blind.' Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space. Yes, you are looking at one such individual." -The Holiday

I've come to the horrible realization that I'm just straight up not good enough in any aspect of my life. This is not an exaggeration, either. School? Pretty good, just not good enough. The scholarship I/my parents want requires straight A's throughout all of high school. Guess what? not possible, because I got an 80.2% in my AP class last quarter and would have to get a 100% in the class to get an A on the semester grade. Speech? Not good enough. Didn't work hard enough before a tournament, didn't hit my moment right, not blocking it the right way, jsut straight up not talented enough. Boys? DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED. I am sure as hell not good enough for any guy. If I was, I would not be used by boys as often as I am. Not skinny enough, pretty enough, funny enough, or "girlfriend-y" enough. I wish I could write about this big problem I have right now, and why I'm so hurt and dejected and angry, but unfortunately it's a secret. And it's killing me.

Moreover, even worse, I feel like my friendships here in the AZ are becoming more and more falsified. Having my BFF J Scribz visit from New Hampshire this weekend was SO sososososososo great and much needed for me, because I can actually talk to her. I feel like the two people that actually get me and relate to me and talk and listen to me are on the east coast. Damn you, east coast...

Sorry this post is so angry and selfish. I just can't really help it right now, because I feel so neglected. Also I love the movie The Holiday. I wish something incredibley romantic would happen to me. I'm sick of being in a bad mood because I'm loveless.

Story of my life.

Creepin, NBD. Love this picutre.

"Fading Away"

"Even if it takes forever to see
What happiness really means to me
I understand love will always be
in perfect harmony
between you and me

One day you will come to know
that no matter how far you may go
the joys and sorrows that we share
are just like the touch of your hair
which is full of tender care

Yet I can only say
this love for you will never decay
I love you every single day
and in every single way
And it pains me to see you fading away"

Happy nerd day :)

Today is my favorite day of the year... NERD DAY! Not really but I like it a lot. :) There is an inner nerd in all of us. Embrace it ;)

I have been so beyond exhausted lately. I really just need a break. I'm barely home anymore and it's no bueno, mostly because I don't do so well without seeing my mom for long periods of time. Dependent? You bet I am. But really, my mom is my best friend. STORY TIME: Two days ago, my dad and I were talking about college at dinner because he had an appointment with my guidance councilor the next day to talk about scholarships/financial aid. I was telling him my big dreams: getting my undergrad in pre-med at U of A, then going out to graduate school for medicine on the east coast. He told me if I got offered a scholarship for my undergrad education out on the east coast, I should take it. I told him of course I would, no hesitation, but I don't know if I'd be ready to be so far from home at 18. Right then, I looked over at my mom and she had tears in her eyes. Naturally, that made me cry. So my mom and I are sitting at dinner, crying over the mere thought of being so far from each other. I'm so blessed to have such a close relationship with mi madre.

I have never read anything more beautiful.

I found this letter today. I recieved this letter when I was in eighth grade. EIGHTH GRADE. I read it now and can't believe I was ever loved by someone so wonderful and so gifted with words.

“Dear love of mine. I once promised you I would never said I was nothing. It’s true, I am something, but only when I have you by my side. Neither of us is superior over the other. We are both equals; we are both one. We are two separate personalities that clash. I will always be who I am, but you seem to make everything inside of me click. Everything seems to work better when I’m with you. I try my hardest to give you everything of mine, for it’s you’re who I’ve connected myself to. Whether it will be good or bad for me in the end, I don’t really care. All the pain in the world could be inflicted upon me, even by you, and if in the end, you are with me again, I know that it was all worth it. You are the only person who I don’t use my brain to deal with, Sammi. I use my heart, and it alone sends me back to you. I need you. Always and forever, I will love you. Until we clash again.”

Remember that PostSecret I keep posting? "If I ever fall in love again and marry, my future husband is indebted to you. Thank you for being an incredible first love."

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Thanks for being my best friend all the time. :) HAPPY 14TH, LITTLE SIS.

I find it peculiar that I've never actually directly talked about my love life on this blog. Which is funny because that's kind of a big part of me (sadly). Stef and I had a conversation the other day about this, about our crazy romanticism and not having anyone to share it with. It's been five months now where I've been straight up single, and okay, I may be a little pathetic for complaining about that, but I don't like it. I just need companionship. I've had two major relationships in my life that have shaped me and given me the expectations I have today. And honestly, I don't care what anyone has to say about these past relationships, because they were so genuine and taught me so much. I really hate thinking about them, though, because it makes my heart feel so lonely. I really just miss having someone to talk to all the time, having someone who will listen to my day and my pointless stories. Someone who knows me inside and out and loves me all the same. Someone who knows when I'm sad, and knows exactly how to cheer me up. Once again, I can't complain because my friends do that for me, but we all know it isn't the same. I guess it can all be summed up through a single quote:

"I bet you've had a hard time walking into a room full of people on your own, right? Yeah. I know that. I know what it is not to feel like your in the room until he looks at you or touches your hand or even makes a joke at your expense, just to let everyone know... you're with him. You're his." -P.S. I Love You

I miss being someones. Love is so important to feel like you've lived a full life. I'm fortunate to have loved and been loved in return, even though I'm only so young, and I guess that has made me spoiled. Now that I've seen what love is all about, it's hard for me to settle for something less. Maybe that's my problem. Or maybe that's what's right about me - not settling for anything less than the best. Am I over-analytical or what? Haha, I wish there was a boy out there who could handle my crazy, wandering mind.

:)

I'm so excited for the week ahead of me. HOMECOMING WEEK! I have a fine gentleman scholar accompanying me to the dance, and yo quiero bailar toda la noche. I'm excited to finally get out of this bubble of anti-socialism that I call my house hehe. :)

I think the reason I've been so frustrated with myself lately is because the only person who relates to everything I say lives across the country. I can't talk to anyone else the way I can talk to my BFF Stef G, and it's so hard being so far, especially during times of frustration.

I really have nothing else to say here, besides I miss my best friend so painfully much.

"I still try... holding onto silly things, I never learn."

I should have known better! That's what I get for thinking with my heart and not my head. I'm going to go wallow in self-pity now.

A plethora of random memories.