"I've got an angel, she doesn't wear any wings. She wears a heart that can melt my own..."

She wears a smile that can make me wanna sing
She gives me presents
With her presence alone
She gives me everything I could wish for
She gives me kisses on the lips just for coming home

She could make angels
I've seen it with my own eyes
You gotta be careful when you've got good love
Cause the angels will just keep on multiplying

But you're so busy changing the world
Just one smile can change all of mine
We share the same soul
Oh oh oh oh oh ohhh"

WHAT THE HECK, why do I have the biggest crush ever on someone?!

"If they say that nothing is forever, then what makes love the exception?"

I LOVE THIS SONG:

"The Special Two"
by: Missy Higgins
"I've hardly been outside my room in days,
'cause I don't feel that I deserve the sunshine's rays.
The darkness helped until the whiskey wore away,
And it was then I realize the conscience never fades.
When you're young you have this image of your life:
That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife.
And you make boundaries you'd never dream to cross,
And if you happen to you wake completely lost.
But I will fight for you,
be sure thatI will fight until we're the special two once again.

And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
Our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
When we're the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'll bleed together,
These arms will not be taught to need another,
'Cause we were the special two.

I remember someone old once said to me:
"That lies will lock you up with truth the only key."
But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell,
And couldn't see this place would soon become my hell.
So is it better to tell and hurt or lie to save their face?
Well I guess the answer is don't do it in the first place.
I know I'm not deserving of your trust from you right now,
But if by chance you change your mind you know I will not let you down
'cause we were the special two, and we'll be again.

And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together,
Our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
When we're the special two.
And we can only see each other we'll breathe together,
These arms will not be taught to need another...
'cause we're the special two.

I step outside my mind's eye's for a minute.
And I look over me like a doctor looking for disease,
Or something that could ease the pain.
But nothing cures the hurt you, you bring on by yourself,
Just remembering, just remembering how we were...

When we would only need each other, we'd bleed together,
Our hands would not be taught to hold another's,
We were the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'd bleed together,
These arms would not be taught to need another,
'Cause we're the special two."

I know it's like depressing, but it doesn't make me sad even a little bit. It makes me happy. :)

Anyway I've been really optimistic lately. LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh and I'm really starting to like this certain boy. Life rocks, okay bye!

"And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck to everything you are."

Starting from now on, I decided to title all of my posts as song lyrics that oh-so-subtly give an insight to how I feel. :)

Anyway, before I start this long post, I would just like to tell everyone how amazing of an artist Maria Mena is. Listen to her. Her songs are seriously beautiful.

"Sorry"
by: Maria Mena
"Vague sound of rain
pierces through my song again
but I get distracted by the way his toes move when he plays
so I let it burn

I just poured my heart out
there's bits of it on the floor
And I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water
And call him up for more

And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
so sorry

He grabs my wrists
as my fingers turn into angry fists
and I whisper why can't you love me, I'll change for you
I'll play the part

And I say baby, so I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
I am sorry"

I had such a great weekend! :) Let me break it down for you.


FRIDAY: Right after school, Danie and I were picked up by her daddy, picked up some pizza, and went straight to the movies. It's was Danie's sister's 8th birthday party and there were about 12 second graders waiting for us outside of the theater. After a nice picnic outside involving excited little girls, delicious pepperoni pizza, and orange soda, Danie and I went to go reserve seats in the movie we were going to.... none other than HSM3! OKAY, that movie is beautiful. No lie. It was so much better than either of the first two. And I am a giant HSM fan, so that's saying a lot. Zac Efron is a babe, all day everyday. Troy and Chad's dance number is my favorite scene of any movie ever. I could not stop smiling. Oh man. I will be seeing that movie multiple times in theater, no doubt about it. Overall, it was a very enjoyable way to start the weekend - watching Zac with a bunch of adoreable girls. After that, I went to Dillon's house where I ate more pizza (fatass) and worked on our duo act. Yes... the night before the tournament. Omg procrastination yay. But it was great, because all we do together is laugh. Laughing is good. :)

SATURDAY: Tournament day! Tournament days are seriously the longest days possible. I woke up at 4:20 am feeling really sick, most likely from all the junk food I ate the day before. So I went to the tournament feelings very sick and very unhappy. But as the day went on, it went away and the sickness was replaced the excitement and passion. :) I made it to the final round in both of my events, although I was a little disappointment with how I placed, but I am not complaining. There were a plethora of people who made this day what it was. Dillon Olmanson, because our duo act is/was a hot mess, and placing fifth was a surprise. Performing with his is a blast and he is my best friend! Nick Weinman, because he's the most generous person I know. He makes all of my days. :) Casey Cantor, because he endured my frustrations with me. Although our hard work didn't pay off as much as we had hoped, our motivation was renewed and I love love love love working with me. Zaki Aizaz, because although we fight during 89% of my life, he can put me in a good mood when I'm at my worst moments. And of course, the ever-so-classy Zane Waxman. I think that's self-explanitory. :) :) :) :) I <3 speech.

SUNDAY: I woke up at 7 am and wanted to die because I was so tired. I went to Starbucks with my pops and ordered a veinte iced quad extra caramel caramel macchiato mixed. Perfect way to start off the week. ;) Annie and Danie and Danie's dad picked me up at 7:45 and we went to Firebird Racing to take the SICKEST DRIVING CLASS EVER! Pretty much we got to drive all these sick cars and do different things with them. The first thing we did was drive around this obstacle course alone with an instructor while they tried to distract us. Fun stuff. The second one, Danie, Annie and I were all in the same car with this instructor named Trescott who was pretty much the bomb.com. There were three stop lights lined up next to each other in three different lanes. We were supposed to accelerate as fast as we could towards the three greens lights, and at the very last second, two of the lights changed to red and we had to drive into the lane with the green light without braking and without hitting any of the cones. I succeeded. Yeah. I'm the man. The third one we drove this sick Mustang. Our instructor was a stunt double who doubles on the show the Suite Life of Zack and Cody as Mr. Mosby!!!!!!!!!!! He was the man. Anyway, the Mustangs had these spring-loaded back wheels so the car skidded really easily. Pretty much we had to drive around this circular track and keep in control of the car when it skidded around the corners. During all of this, this media photographer was taking pictures of us, and after he came up to us three and asked if it was alright that he used the pictures for publicity. They were the best pictures! I will post them as soon as I get access to them. :)

Overall, VERY GOOD WEEKEND! This Friday, sophomore class stu co is doing a FUN-raiser (hehe) and this weekend I'm going to 8A camp! Downside: I have an APWH test Friday...

Peace. :)

Self-esteem.

I have the worst self-esteem ever. That's all.

Busy busy busy.

Let me take you through my next few weekends.
This weekend (Oct. 24th-26th): Danie's sister's birthday, Red Mountain speech tournament, driving class.
Next weekend (Oct. 31st-Nov. 3rd) HALLOWEEN, and counseling for 8A humanities camp :)
Nov. 7th-9th: A special friend's birthday :), and the Tukee bowl.
Nov. 14th-16th: Dobson speech tournament
Nov. 21st-24thish: Chicago for Glenbrooks speech tournament :)
Nov 27th-20th: THANKSGIVING and possibley birthday party weekend.
Dec. 1st (not a weekend): My birthday :)
Dec. 5th-7th: Winter Trophy speech tournament
Dec. 12th-14th: Counseling for 8B humanities camp.
Dec. 19th-21st: California for Fullerton speech tournament

My life rocks. That statement is slightly sarcastic, but mostly not. :)

MELODRAMA

I realized a few things today. UNO: Nick Weinman is one of my favorite people. Ever. DOS (hehe): I am the most melodramatic person alive. The end.

Life

moves too quickly. And it's depressing. I've had such a good life so far, and I think that's what makes it more depressing. I don't know if what is yet to come will be as beautiful as what already came. Do you know how scary it is not knowing if the best is yet to come? My eighth grade year was incredible, my freshman year was incredible, and so far this year is not nearly as good as either of those. And it scares me.

I would LOVE to be optimistic and say, "The best is always yet to come!" Unfortunately I don't know how much I believe that. I've had incredible experiences when it comes to love - both romantic and friendly. I've experienced the epitome of good when it comes to "good" people. I've experienced incredibley inspiring events spiritually, and (as lame as this is) I've had incredible success in speech. Really, I feel like I've been to the top, and it doesn't get any higher than that.

That. Scares. Me.

PERFECTION.

In all seriousity, this DIRECTLY pinpoints my life.

Oh man.

I am obsessed with Gossip Girl.

I'm so sorry

for always whining in this blog. It's so uncalled for, and my life is so good, so I have zero right to be complaining. But I said this way back in August - this blog is for me to vent. My feelings of inferiority, anger, sadness, etc., they're always temporary but I need to get them out there. Thank you for loving me as I am anyway, despite my exaggerations.

WARNING: Unnecessary ranting.

Let me start off this angry/pathetic post with a quote that I love very much and pretty much sums up my life:

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said 'Journeys end in lovers meeting.' What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said 'love is blind.' Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space. Yes, you are looking at one such individual." -The Holiday

I've come to the horrible realization that I'm just straight up not good enough in any aspect of my life. This is not an exaggeration, either. School? Pretty good, just not good enough. The scholarship I/my parents want requires straight A's throughout all of high school. Guess what? not possible, because I got an 80.2% in my AP class last quarter and would have to get a 100% in the class to get an A on the semester grade. Speech? Not good enough. Didn't work hard enough before a tournament, didn't hit my moment right, not blocking it the right way, jsut straight up not talented enough. Boys? DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED. I am sure as hell not good enough for any guy. If I was, I would not be used by boys as often as I am. Not skinny enough, pretty enough, funny enough, or "girlfriend-y" enough. I wish I could write about this big problem I have right now, and why I'm so hurt and dejected and angry, but unfortunately it's a secret. And it's killing me.

Moreover, even worse, I feel like my friendships here in the AZ are becoming more and more falsified. Having my BFF J Scribz visit from New Hampshire this weekend was SO sososososososo great and much needed for me, because I can actually talk to her. I feel like the two people that actually get me and relate to me and talk and listen to me are on the east coast. Damn you, east coast...

Sorry this post is so angry and selfish. I just can't really help it right now, because I feel so neglected. Also I love the movie The Holiday. I wish something incredibley romantic would happen to me. I'm sick of being in a bad mood because I'm loveless.

Story of my life.

Creepin, NBD. Love this picutre.

"Fading Away"

"Even if it takes forever to see
What happiness really means to me
I understand love will always be
in perfect harmony
between you and me

One day you will come to know
that no matter how far you may go
the joys and sorrows that we share
are just like the touch of your hair
which is full of tender care

Yet I can only say
this love for you will never decay
I love you every single day
and in every single way
And it pains me to see you fading away"

Happy nerd day :)

Today is my favorite day of the year... NERD DAY! Not really but I like it a lot. :) There is an inner nerd in all of us. Embrace it ;)

I have been so beyond exhausted lately. I really just need a break. I'm barely home anymore and it's no bueno, mostly because I don't do so well without seeing my mom for long periods of time. Dependent? You bet I am. But really, my mom is my best friend. STORY TIME: Two days ago, my dad and I were talking about college at dinner because he had an appointment with my guidance councilor the next day to talk about scholarships/financial aid. I was telling him my big dreams: getting my undergrad in pre-med at U of A, then going out to graduate school for medicine on the east coast. He told me if I got offered a scholarship for my undergrad education out on the east coast, I should take it. I told him of course I would, no hesitation, but I don't know if I'd be ready to be so far from home at 18. Right then, I looked over at my mom and she had tears in her eyes. Naturally, that made me cry. So my mom and I are sitting at dinner, crying over the mere thought of being so far from each other. I'm so blessed to have such a close relationship with mi madre.

I have never read anything more beautiful.

I found this letter today. I recieved this letter when I was in eighth grade. EIGHTH GRADE. I read it now and can't believe I was ever loved by someone so wonderful and so gifted with words.

“Dear love of mine. I once promised you I would never said I was nothing. It’s true, I am something, but only when I have you by my side. Neither of us is superior over the other. We are both equals; we are both one. We are two separate personalities that clash. I will always be who I am, but you seem to make everything inside of me click. Everything seems to work better when I’m with you. I try my hardest to give you everything of mine, for it’s you’re who I’ve connected myself to. Whether it will be good or bad for me in the end, I don’t really care. All the pain in the world could be inflicted upon me, even by you, and if in the end, you are with me again, I know that it was all worth it. You are the only person who I don’t use my brain to deal with, Sammi. I use my heart, and it alone sends me back to you. I need you. Always and forever, I will love you. Until we clash again.”

Remember that PostSecret I keep posting? "If I ever fall in love again and marry, my future husband is indebted to you. Thank you for being an incredible first love."

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Thanks for being my best friend all the time. :) HAPPY 14TH, LITTLE SIS.

I find it peculiar that I've never actually directly talked about my love life on this blog. Which is funny because that's kind of a big part of me (sadly). Stef and I had a conversation the other day about this, about our crazy romanticism and not having anyone to share it with. It's been five months now where I've been straight up single, and okay, I may be a little pathetic for complaining about that, but I don't like it. I just need companionship. I've had two major relationships in my life that have shaped me and given me the expectations I have today. And honestly, I don't care what anyone has to say about these past relationships, because they were so genuine and taught me so much. I really hate thinking about them, though, because it makes my heart feel so lonely. I really just miss having someone to talk to all the time, having someone who will listen to my day and my pointless stories. Someone who knows me inside and out and loves me all the same. Someone who knows when I'm sad, and knows exactly how to cheer me up. Once again, I can't complain because my friends do that for me, but we all know it isn't the same. I guess it can all be summed up through a single quote:

"I bet you've had a hard time walking into a room full of people on your own, right? Yeah. I know that. I know what it is not to feel like your in the room until he looks at you or touches your hand or even makes a joke at your expense, just to let everyone know... you're with him. You're his." -P.S. I Love You

I miss being someones. Love is so important to feel like you've lived a full life. I'm fortunate to have loved and been loved in return, even though I'm only so young, and I guess that has made me spoiled. Now that I've seen what love is all about, it's hard for me to settle for something less. Maybe that's my problem. Or maybe that's what's right about me - not settling for anything less than the best. Am I over-analytical or what? Haha, I wish there was a boy out there who could handle my crazy, wandering mind.

:)

I'm so excited for the week ahead of me. HOMECOMING WEEK! I have a fine gentleman scholar accompanying me to the dance, and yo quiero bailar toda la noche. I'm excited to finally get out of this bubble of anti-socialism that I call my house hehe. :)

I think the reason I've been so frustrated with myself lately is because the only person who relates to everything I say lives across the country. I can't talk to anyone else the way I can talk to my BFF Stef G, and it's so hard being so far, especially during times of frustration.

I really have nothing else to say here, besides I miss my best friend so painfully much.

"I still try... holding onto silly things, I never learn."

I should have known better! That's what I get for thinking with my heart and not my head. I'm going to go wallow in self-pity now.

A plethora of random memories.

Frustration.

I am beyond frustrated with myself. The worst thing in the entire world is unreciprocated effort. I hate that I'm throwing everything I have into something that will never be worth it, it feels like. And it's the worst when someone means so much to you, and they refuse or choose to ignore how much you're trying to do for them. I wish I could just give up and walk away, but that's not who I am. No matter how hopeless something is, I stick around. And it causes me a lot of unnecessary pain.

I WISH YOU WOULD NOTICE HOW MUCH I CARE FOR YOU, AND HOW MUCH I WANT YOU TO CARE FOR ME THE WAY I CARE FOR YOU.

wicca wicca what?

FANTASY SPEECH AND DEBATE TEAMS?!?! My life is complete. In all seriousity.
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=24583934474&ref=mf
I know at each tournament now I will be striving to not let down my fantasy team. I'm lame and kind of a huge dork but I love it!!!

This is beautiful.

Please read this quote and embrace it. This is so great and so true and do not forget it!

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

:) :) :).

The good stuff.

Today in photo, I made a list of my very favorite things: :)
1. That one time we fell asleep holding hands.
2. Having sleepovers with my sister.
3. Recieving mail from my very best friend.
4. Speech theatre and debate.
5. Dressing up.
6. My mom holding me when I'm sad.
7. Seeing you in a good mood.
8. The feeling of being appreciated.
9. Reciprocated love.
10. The fact that I can tell you anything.
11. Having a best friend who lives somewhere very beautiful.
12. Student council events.
13. Veinte ice caramel macchiatos (mixed) from Starbucks.
14. Boys with six-packs.
15. The fulfillment of inspiring people.
16. Your smile.
17. Funny, but not offensive, jokes.
18. Teachers who care.
19. My middle school memories.
20. La idioma de espanol.
21. Walking to class with you.
22. Family time.
23. You... because you're just so cute.
24. Movies that make me cry.
25. Waking up just to realize that there are still a few hours left to sleep.
26.Silent communication.
27. Love stories
28. Being close enough to you to smell your hair.
29. Comments like, "Sammi, you are a hopeless romantic."
30. Realizing what you really deserve.
31. Sailing :)
32. Quien es el amigo que sera tu amigo para siempre? Quien es el amigo que te necesita mas que nadie?
33. Seeing you, and knowing I'm actually happier without you.
34. Wearing my heart on my sleeve.
35. Little kids, because they don't know how to hate.
36. Being taken on a real date (which hasn't happened yet... but I know it will someday be one of my favorite things!).
37. Speech tournaments.
38. You don't hug me often, but when you do, it's my favorite thing in the world.
39. People who respect other's morals.
40. Sacrifice, because it's always worth it in the end.
41. Couples who fit together like puzzle pieces.
42. HOPE.

"I've never told you. I fear if you knew the magnitude of the feelings contained in this candy heart of mine, you'd run screaming away, or maybe you'd stay but bolt and chain the door to your emotions to keep me at bay."

GROUNDED

until October 27th. :(
I'll definitely try to keep updating until then.