Memorial

So the father of a boy I used to know died this week. I went to his memorial, and I didn't think it would affect me as much as it did.

My prayers go out to the Dos Santos family.

Sorry

I've been having a hard time posting lately. Becuase everything I'm struggling with is so internal and personal. All I can really say is people don't really change. I mean, essentially, people will always be who they are. That mostly makes me happy.

Sorry for the lack of posts. I know everyone is sooooooooooooooooo interested in my life, but this blog will be dormant for a while.

!!!!!!

I think I'm dying. Okay, slight exaggeration, but not really. It feels like tiny needles are piercing me everywhere in my body. I hurt.

"I have no need to post right now."

WHAAAAAT? Why would I even say that? That's not even true! So much is happening, and so much has happened. So enjoy all these random blurbs of emotion:

First thing, I am completely over my nostalgia. Do you know how good that feels? I mean, okay, I miss a few things. I miss my long hair, Danielle Fazio, and one or two middle school friendships. I have the potential to be missing sooo many more people and more things. But I don't. Because my "right now" is so beautiful. I'm really happy. Usually I befall a horrible case of sadness and nostalgia when I connect with people from my past. It hasn't happened in a few months, and I am so thankful.

I'm actually reading Les Mis for English and I love it!!

So this weekend has been pretty much the exact opposite of last weekend. I went home sick on Friday, and spent my Saturday in the emergency room. I woke up Saturday with really unusual symptoms: sharp pains in my back, my jaw hurting, fever, horrible headache, very sore throat, bad cough. My mom called my doctor and explained my symptoms and she said it sounded like I had spinal meningitis. Then I proceeded to not be able to breathe for like fifteen minutes. It was frightening, and I was freaking out. So my mom and I went to the emergency room and luckily was NOT diagnosed with meningitis. I have viral pharyngitis, which is like a throat/lung infection. It's awful and no fun at all!!

On another note, I feel like I'm the happiest I've ever been. I've said that a few times this year but honestly, it just keeps getting better and better. Besides a massive amount of stress, I'm so satisfied with everything. I love speech more and more each day. Student council is so incredibly rewarding. Now, I believe highly in jinxes, so it's kind of a huge risk for me to say this: my relationship with Casey is the closest thing to perfect I have ever experienced. I am blessed to have such a wonderful person in my life who treats me so well.

Wonderful.

What a wonderful weekend, with wonderful friends, wonderful competition, and a wonderful boyfriend.

I have no need to post right now.

The Strangest Thing

Just a breakdown of my thoughts at the moment.

1. Harvard:

I'M SO EXCITED FOR THIS WEEKEND! Really, I'm just so excited to be in my favorite city in the whole world. I'm so excited to see my best friend. I'm so excited to be in cold weather. I'm so excited to spend the weekend with the most magical team in the state of AZ. :) Boston is the most magnificent city in the world. 

2. Stress:

The last two days were the most overwhelming days I have ever experienced. I had two major projects and a major student council fundraiser. I've had seven hours of sleep in the last two nights - three last night and four the night before. I'm a little dead right now. If you know me at all, you know that I do not function well without a good amount of sleep. I feel like I've been in a daze all day. It's horrific. Theoretically, this weekend will be a break from the stress. However, I have a trillion tests to make up when I get back. 

3. Valentine's Day:

Fuck Valentine's day. I dislike it greatly. I think it's stupid. Does anyone even know the significance of the holiday? Maybe I don't like it because I've never had a good V-day experience. I've been fairly lonely each year. Last year was at the verge of a break up, and the year before was absolutely miserable. Luckily Valentine's Day is fairly nonexistent for me because I will competing all day Saturday. I just want to ignore it all together. Or it could just go away.

4. Coldplay:

For your reading pleasures, here is the Coldplay song of the day:

"The Hardest Part"

"And the hardest part

Was letting go, not taking part

Was the hardest part

And the strangest thing

Was waiting for that bell to ring

It was the strangest start

I could feel it so down

It is sweet I could taste it in my mouth

Silver lining the clouds

Oh and I

I wish that I could work it out.

And the hardest part

Was letting go, not taking part

You really broke my heart

And I tried to sing

But I couldn't think of anything

That was the hardest part

Everything I know is wrong

Everything I do just comes undone

And everything is torn apart."

:(

What's up, stress?

Not even exaggerating, this may be the most stressful week of my life. I have never had this much homework. Ever. On top of that, I'm missing multiple unit tests this week because I'm leaving for Boston for a massive speech tournament. On top of THAT, student council is having a huge fatty fundraiser this Friday, which I am missing, and I have to organize the whole thing before I leave. On top of THAT, I'm not nearly anywhere I need to be when it comes to speech. I am unprepared for the tournament this weekend.

An all-nighter is a very real possibility right now.

Just some thoughts.

I really love Coldplay. They're my new favorite. If you get me a Coldplay CD... we're new best friends.

I really love speech and debate!!! I wish people understood it more. I feel like it is so underestimated and misunderstood. I wish everyone understood how dominant Desert Vista is!!! Like really, we just face-crush everyone else, all the time.

I really like Casey Cantor. I'm happy all the time because of him. :)

Youthfulness

So I'm reading this Victorian novel for honors English called Of Human Bondage. It's actually alright. I stumbled across this quote the other night and I re-read it five times because it just hit me so hard.

"It is an illusion that youth is happy, an illusion of those who have lost it; but the young know they are wretched, for they are full of the truthless ideals which have been instilled into them, and each time they come in contact with the real they are bruised and wounded."

Seriously, the age we are at right now may be the "best times of our lives." But they're also horribly confusing and painful. We are caught between two extremely different worlds - the carefree world of childhood and the responsibilities of adulthood. We are neither. We are right in the middle, and it's hard. We grow up surrounded by happily ever after stories, being mean isn't allowed, learning to play nice, and knowing to always do the right thing. This is the age where we realize that most stories don't end happily, mean people who play dirty are everywhere, and we aren't sure of the right thing anymore. And it's hard. I would love to live in an idealistic world, but unfortunately that's not how it works. Especially the world of highschool.

Really, all I can do to ease this pain for myself is surround myself with people who love me. Which I think I have done a fabulous job of. Even though my best friend on the planet is over 2000 miles away from me, I can feel her love from the opposite side of the country. Even without her here, I am okay, because I have the best friend in Arizona I could ever ask for. He is the only one in the world who I can trust completely. He is the only person who I feel won't judge me, and I know I can be a shameless mess around him. I am eternally grateful for Stef and Dillon.

So... Cheers to these highschool years. Mmm? :)

Alright.

I decided that reading old myspace comments, whether they be yours or someone's you care about, is a bad idea. I don't like what it does to my head.

And no, don't ask me about it. I won't tell you.

P.S. I WAS CRAZY IN EIGHTH GRADE!!!! Like really... I was insane. I was so dumb. And niave. Like, really.

EPIC!

What an epic football game, with epic food, an epic pool, and epic friends. :) OKAY, I'm still emotionally buzzed from last night sooooo.... bye.