It's funny.

Shortly after I posted my last post, one of the used-to-be's left me a myspace comment:

"i miss you sammi saunders.so much. i was just thinking about last summer, and camp. and ah, it puts everything back into perspective. and how much things have changed, and people have changed. and its shocking. and its reality. but its hard to accept.you taught me so much, so so so much. its unbelivable. you were the one that introuduced me to all that stuff, that i had no clue about, no belief about, and you brought it into my life. without a warning. you got me through some of my toughest situations, and no matter what i did, you told me what i should do. and how i will be forgiven for it from God. and i always did. He always forgave me. i really dont know what i would do without you sammi, your advice, and friendship really did get me through alot more than you think.so i guess i owe you a huge thank you. over and over and over again."

Either people actually read this (not likely), or that was God talking. Beautiful.

On another note, I just had a really weird experience with an ex. A relapse, if you will. Dang it. Relapses are the worst. Okay, attached at the top of this post is the picture that makes my life complete. Everytime I look at it, it reminds me how lucky I am.

The used-to-be's.

Yesterday, I talked to a few people I haven't talked to in awhile. And that took me back to my used-to-be best friends. I've lost so many friends in the past five years. And I have so much I want to say to them when I see them. These are the people that I'm just staright up not friends with anymore, in any way. If I had the courage, this is what I would say to them today:

Used-to-be-best-friend #1:
Hey, remember when we used to be best friends?
I don't think you miss me like I miss you.
I think about you every single day, still,
Because you gave me the happiest times of my life.
And it really makes me sad knowing we'll never be close like that again.
You're always going to be important to me.
Thank you for making middle school the best years.

Used-to-be-best-friend #2:
Hey, remember when we used to be best friends?
To be honest, I'm kind of glad we aren't anymore.
We've developed this awkward, tension-y relationship.
Actually it's not even a relationship.
I'm sure you never think about how we used to be friends.
You win the "Changed Most in a Year" award.

Used-to-be-best-friend #3:
Hey, remember when we used to be best friends?
We used to laugh a lot.
I have a feeling that if we talked again, it would be just like it used to be.

Used-to-be-best-friend #4:
Hey, remember when we used to be best friends?
You were the best.
I don't even know where you are or how you're doing anymore.
All I see are your crazy party adventure pictures on myspace.
Just remember: you're better than that.
Remember everything that happened when we were friends.
You are the strongest girl I know.
Thank you for constantly being my inspiration.
I love you, and you're always in my prayers.

Missed me?

I'm sure you did. :) I was grounded from la computadora for the past week because I didn't do an essay and had to have my mom pull me out of school so I can do it. Bad Sammi.

So I'm in the worst, most defeated mood ever. I sat here debating whether I wanted to talk about it. And I decided I didn't. So i'm going just to go be sad now. Bye.

My life through the words of Maria Mena.

"Comfortable as I am,
I need your reassurance
Comfortable as you are,
You count the days
But if I wanted silence I would whisper
If I wanted loneliness I'd choose to go
If I liked rejection I'd audition
And if I didn't love you, you would know
So why can't you just hold me,
how come it's so hard?
Do you like to see me broken?
Why do I still care?
You say you see the light now
at the end of this narrow hall
I wish it didn't matter
I wish I didn't give you all
Poor little misunderstood baby
No one likes a sad face
But I can't remember life without him
I think I did have good days
I'm sure I did have good days"

I took a big step for myself and for my well-being today by making the decision to get a tutor for my AP class. This is the first time I've put my pride aside when it comes to schoolwork and get help. And I'm excited to see if this can actually help me.

Mood swing!

Okay, I feel so much better than I have in weeks. I feel so much less stressed out. I'm not sure why, I still have so much to do (like a MASSIVE APWH test I should be studying for and a giant medieval art essay I should be researching for), but I have made a fair amount of progress. Sadies planning is over and the next thing Stu Co related is homecoming floats in October (wheeee!). And I actually finished the first cut of my drama today (speech terms, hehe).

I forgot how much I loved speech and debate until today. Honestly, my passion was renewed and I am so thankful. I'm not really sure what it was to initiate it, maybe it was the fact that I actually got something done, or maybe it was the joy I found from helping novice members.

Oh and if anyone wanted to talk Gossip Girl with me, let me know. Maybe my sudden relief and happiness is because the new season is back and I just finished watching episode two. ;)

This has literally and honestly been the most stressful week of my life. I cannot express my relief that Sadie Hawkins planning is over. I'm so behind on my speech work, and I'm being drowned in homework. I don't have time anymore. What kind of life is that for a sophomore in high school? I'm up late and awake early to get everything I need to do done, and it's still not enough time. It has begun to worry me. I haven't even stop to think about why I'm this way, why I take on so much at one time. And the only reason I can come up with is for my future. For the hope that all of this will someday pay off. All I can hope is that I don't screw up along the way. I'm not sure how I feel about this way of living, honestly, for the future and not for right now. I don't want to look back and think I missed out because I was too busy filling up my time planning school events and studying for stupid tests. I love love love love student council and speech with everything I have, but it's stressin me out. I need to learn time management. I need to slow down. I need to breathe. And I need help with it all.

"We're so arrogant, aren't we? So afraid of age, we do everything we can to prevent it. We don't realize what a privilege it is to grow old with someone. Someone who doesn't drive you to commit murder or doesn't humiliate you beyond repair." -P.S. I Love You

Chizzled by angels!

Danie and I bought the brightest, silliest costumes for Sadies today. And we dragged William along hehe. He hates shopping. Especially with us. The good news is he has muscles chizzled by angels so I was not bored, hehe. I'm kind of obsessed with his six pack. I'm glad my friends have learned to embrace the creepy side of me. Because I would be horribley lonely and ostrasized if they didn't. :P