Have you ever

been so sad that your heart physically hurts? I just want to take mine out right now so I can stop hurting and just go to sleep.

2009

In 2009, I will do something extraordinary.
In 2009, my work ethic will inscrease.
In 2009, I will treat myself with respect.
Most of all in 2009, I will focus much more on what I have instead of what I had and be much less nostalgic (speaking of, nostalgia is such a beautiful word:"a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time").

Rawr.

I don't like it when my bubble is burst.

IT'S THE

EYE OF THE TIGER, IT'S THE THRILL OF THE FIGHT RISING UP TO THE CHALLENGE OF OUR RIVAAAAALS.

Rock Band... ROCKS. :) I love my sisters and today in general. I went to the mall and got cute stuffzzz. I love my best friend in the world, Stefanie Gardner, and my other best friend in the world Dillon Olmanson. :) Also Casey played Rock Band and Scategories with me and my sisters all night. I'm surprised they and my mom haven't creeped the hell out of him yet. ;)

I LOVE MY LIFE!!!

I hate

time. Really, I do. I realized that 2008 is a week away from ending, and that's so crazy for me to think about it. I get so overwhelmed when I realize 2008 will never happen again. Ever. Time goes by really quickly and everything changes too fast. Like last year on New Years Eve, I spent it with Jaslyn, Brandon, Alec, and Colton. Hell if I know where any of them are going to be this year. I'm getting closer and closer to full independence, and I know I'll be on my own before I know it. Every minute of your life only happens once, every day only happens once, every year only happens once. I don't know how to handle it all when I think of it like that. I just feel so overwhelmed. One time, when I was eight years old, my dad's best friend randomly turned to me and said, "You are one day closer to the day you die." Okay, first off, DON'T TELL THAT TO AN 8-YEAR-OLD. Second, it's true... yikes. I mean, I realize that. Obviously. I don't know, I'm just so weird and have a hard time handling myself when I start thinking like that.

Anyway, merry Christmas.

I'm so weird.

The happiest day on earth is in two days, and hopefully I will be getting my license within the next week. I better, judging by that's the only thing I asked for for Christmas and it doesn't even cost my parents money (directly).

In other news, The Beatles are magical.
In more other news, I'm really weird. I've just felt weird lately and I don't know why. Maybe it's because I've been reflecting too much on the past year. Maybe it's because i'm going through BFF withdrawls (majorly). Or maybe it's just becuase there's no school and I don't know what to do with myself.

>

Happy birthday.

"It lights up the whole sky."

The new banner I have on this blog is one of my favorite quotes ever. "Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, 'you owe me.' Look what happens with a love like that, it lights the whole sky."

Beautiful. :)

.

Today I heard the song Crash by Dave Matthews Band all the way through for the first time since like April. And I seriously almost threw up. It was horrible/crazy.

On another note, dating your duo partner is a horrible idea. Don't do it. Mine and Casey's work ethic on our duo is NONE right now and it's so frustrating!!!!!!

"You don't know how lovely you are."

Today is December 14th, approximately two years since I attended 8B camp as a student and approximtely two years since a beautiful letter was written to me that I will never forget. It also makes one year since I attended 8B camp as a councilor and where I found out truths in my life that I didn't notice. Not a good thing, either. It is seriously insane how much has happened in the past two years and how much things have changed. CRAAAZZZYYY. Let me give you a photo glimpse of my life in the last two years:

Ugh.

So I was driving to school this morning and the song "Where Are You Christmas?" came on the raido. I thought that was a sign of a good day to come.

WRONG.

TODAY WAS HORRIBLE!!! The two most important relationships in my life are failing me, my sister and my best friend. WHY, WHY?! Seriously, I'm more upset than I could put into words. I feel so much pressure to be close to perfect in school, my parents have been denying me the freedom I deserve, and the two people who I thought I could always count on both hurt me so bad today. I dunno why I'm so emotional lately, but I'm ready for all this shit to be done with. Really. I deserve a good break. A good break that lasts more than a few days at a time.

:)

PostSecret

Today Dillon and I went to Barnes & Nobles. We were reading PostSecret books and I found someone's secret it in. Someone had written in gel pen on the back of a reciept and stuck it in the book. I'm so inspired by it!

I HATE SCHOOL!

Seriously. My life would be so much better without it. Isn't 16 the legal drop out age? Hahaha just kidding....


But really.

Sorry, Casey...

There's a new man in my life now.

CHUCK BASS, I AM A SLAVE 4 U

Here's my two cents.

I never said one negative word about you. Really, I don't dislike you and it makes me sad that you dislike me. I never called you pathetic, and I never did anything intentional to hurt you. I don't think we've ever had a face to face conversation before, and I really am sorry if you think I'm a bitch. I never tried to get in your business about anything and I'm sorry I said anything to begin with. This is dumb and there is no reason this should be happening. So, take this as my sincere apology.

Favorite Things in my Life (at the moment):
Speech and Debate
Student Council
The face that I'm going to Disneyland with speech in less than two weeks.
My sister
My best friend Stefanie
My best friend Dillon
My best friend Hannah
Two more weeks til winter break!
Christmas lights
Having a musical boyfriend, resulting in this beautiful song:
"Legitimately, i've never been free, till now.
You came by and you showed me why and how.

Sometimes, i'd know what i was missing.
Turns out all i had to do was listen

Seriously, i've never been me, till now
you saved me from all that i was, and wow

Sometimes, i'd know what i was missing.
Turns out all i had to do was listen
And if you want to know who i really am
Babe come on, just take my hand

You take me away...
And all i have to say,
is that there'd be no way
I'd live to see another day
If you were hurtin
Babe i promise i'll do anything just to keep us workin

Practically, i'm the one to be, cuz you got me, and i like the way that sounds
all the time, i'd see your face just melt, i swear that i've never felt this way... you've got me.

Sometimes, i'd know what i was missing.
Turns out all i had to do was listen
And if you want to know who i really am
Babe come on, just take my hand

You take me away...
And all i have to say,
is that there'd be no way
I'd live to see another day
If you were hurtin
Babe i promise i'll do anything just to keep us workin
Cuz you got me..."

Ay!

Life is gooood. :) I went shopping today with my sister and we had lots of giggles. I love tournament weekends the best. S&D makes me so happy!!! :)

Anyway this picture makes me LOL a lot and makes me so happy. We made it for a bio project in the beginning of the year. OH lolzzzzz so good:

AHH!

I have re-written this post four different times.

What I want to say:
1. Just be happy that he quit. Who cares the motivation.
2. I have been so sick the last two days and I HATE IT!
3. (piggyback off of #1... organized, I know): Please, let us be happy.

Do you know

how difficult it is to make up a 15-week science experiement the night before the project is due? I DO!!!! I officially get the biggest procrastinator in the world award. It's almost 11 and I'm not nearly done. I am horrible running on no sleep, so tomorrow should be interesting. :)

In other news, Stefanie is beautiful and I am missing her more than ever.

P.S. I know we're only just beginning, but you are so important to me. I know this will be so beautiful. Thank you for accepting me as I am. :)

I am

horrible when it comes to the beginning stages of a relationship.

Happy birthday?!

Today is the sixteenth anniversary of my birth. Hehe I'm lame. But... happy birthday to me?

Anyway I have a lot of mixed feelings about my life right now. I'm just always so uneasy when new things come along. Probably because my trust was shattered from past relationships, and I'm super uneasy about trusting anyone new. It's funny. Because I compare to the time I was wrecked by a relationship in eighth grade versus the time I was wrecked by a relationship a few months ago. The huge difference I notice is that in eighth grade, I accepted and looked for help. Unlike the more recent one. In eighth grade, I kinda took that hurt as a change to strengthen myself whereas this time, I just kinda didn't do anything about it, resulting in this bottled up hurt and shattered trust. I thought I could handle myself. I'm more than okay now, but the aftermath of pented up anger/hurt and the uneasiness to trust is so horrible. And I don't know what to do.

P.S. That probably made no sense at all... Sorry for the sporadic word vomit. :)